yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
