I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
