I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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