dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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