I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
