I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
