Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
