sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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