He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
