The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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