Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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