Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
