i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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