I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
