so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
