Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The adults are the big ones right?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
