If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
