Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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