Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
