I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
