my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
