We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
