How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
