I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
