ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
