I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
