You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
