i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
