I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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