god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
