whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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