Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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