I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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