Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have tasted many bathrooms
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
