I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
