New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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