I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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