I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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