I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
