Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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