Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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