I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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