Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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