Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
