i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
