I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
