Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
