tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
