My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
