Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
