I wanna bring you to show and tell
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
