my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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