he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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