I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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