I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
