ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
